Byline: Joe Queenan
Consumers are justifiably confused when it comes to picking out a smartphone. Many high-end iPhones and Androids contain features that are not terribly useful in everyday life. Not-so-early adopters also worry that they will purchase a state-of-the-art phone for $399 and then, just a few months later, burn with envy as a less expensive unit offering many more features hits the market.
The public need no longer fear either of these scenarios. With the release of the Blue Helix, a solar-powered telekinetic unit that is easily the most powerful cell phone ever invented, consumers will find themselves in possession of a self-regenerating smartphone that automatically downloads new apps and features the very moment they come into existence. The phone is a living, breathing organism that not only need never be replaced, but keeps getting better and better.
The Blue Helix is very much like a plate of osso buco that miraculously reappears as soon as it is eaten, or a stein of award-winning Pilsner that automatically improves its taste before it has even finished dribbling down a person’s throat. It is a phone that will never be obsolete, a phone that will never require an upgrade, a phone that will never need servicing. Understandably, because it has a life expectancy of 4,000 years, it is a bit on the pricey side: $30,000 per unit. But anyone who has tried out the Blue Helix will agree that the thirty thousand clams is money well spent.
In addition to all the basic phone, email, texting, and search engine functions that are standard features of smartphones, the Blue Helix has certain applications never before seen in a device of this sort. The polygraph app lodged in the upper right-hand corner of the screen tells the user whether the person he is talking to or receiving texts from is lying–a useful application when chatting with a broker, a politician, a philandering spouse, or a child. Via high-powered satellite cameras, a second app instantly pinpoints the location and identity of the person phoning, texting, messaging, or emailing, making it impossible for telemarketers to disguise their identity and making it useless for people who frequent online dating sites to lie about their height, age, weight, or the quantity of hair of which they are still in possession. Not with a resolution of 376,000 pixels.
A multifaceted GPS unit alerts drivers when they are entering a ZIP code where their political views and bumper stickers are not likely to be well received. And yes, it can be specially programmed for libertarians.
Standard features of the Blue Helix include a 35 mm camera, a telescope, a periscope, a high-powered microscope, an atomic collider, and a disposable EKG unit. Via an invisible, genetically modified camera made entirely of soy, the phone can be used to perform CAT scans, endoscopies, and colonos-copies, automatically texting the results from inside the stomach in any one of 35 languages, including Urdu. It also removes cataracts.
For an additional $599, ranking members of the armed forces can purchase an app allowing them to activate the nation’s antinuclear missile defenses from remote locations. The phone comes equipped with four micro-torpedoes, a state-of-the-art antiaircraft gun, 12 compact heat-seeking missiles, and a small, but remarkably effective derringer. The ordnance adds little to the weight of the phone, as it is made entirely of optical fiber fused with an extremely supple form of tungsten.
In emergencies, the Blue Helix can morph into a lifeboat, a glider, a parachute, or a roulette table; it can also be expanded to serve as a mattress, a gazebo, a helicopter landing pad, or a small but well-appointed Gothic cathedral. The phone works well as a portable space heater, DVD player, television, and microwave, and can readily be used to detect termites, cholera, radon, or intruders. Optional add-ons include a portable chemotherapy unit, an electric piano, a virtual studio apartment in Paris’s fashionable 16th arrondissement, and a four-car garage.
Does the Blue Helix have any drawbacks other than its price? Only a few. Some users complain that the laser gun app can accidentally be activated, causing nearby buildings to go up in flames. Several have pointed out that the female voice on the GPS unit bears an annoying resemblance to Carol Channing’s. And the stitches created by the personal auto-surgical unit may chafe against sensitive skin. Other than that, the Blue Helix is nothing short of a miracle.
This just in: The Blue Helix can also be used as a lunar landing device, a magnetic resonance imaging unit, a mobile funeral home, and a changing table. Once the price on this baby comes down a few bucks, look out.
Joe Queenan is the author, most recently, of One for the Books.