Holiday gifts for the congressional staffer in your life!

Full Text:

From Pages 12–18 of the December 2014 SkyMall[TM] Catalogue

The NoRegrets[TM] mobile-phone case slips easily on your iPhone or Samsung Galaxy to deliver up to ten extra hours of power on the go! The congressional staffer in your life will love the sleek design, the fashion-forward colors, and the easily rechargeable battery that comes packed into the case. Light, durable, and a must-have for the budding young strategist. Also comes with a tiny blowhole attached to a state-of-the-art breathalyzer that instantly measures the blood alcohol level of the user before allowing him or her to access any social-media applications! Including Snapchat! No more tweeting or Facebooking while tipsy! No more embarrassing updates! Anything above the equivalent of two light beers renders the continuously updated list of social-media services inaccessible for twelve safe hours! Also available: The NoRegrets+[TM], which utilizes the camera flash unit to measure the user’s heart rate for signs of anger, rage, and mental agitation with racial and/or ethnic overtones and instantly shuts down the entire range of communication applications until the pulse rate returns to normal! Tell your staffer loved one to stop apologizing! Get a NoRegrets[TM] or a NoRegrets+[TM] today! (Gift-wrapping available.)

holiday-gifts-for-the-congressional-staffer-in-your-life-1

A one-month subscription to iFrenemy gives the political strategist or congressional staffer on your list the ultimate in career protection! It ain’t cheap, but then quality solutions never are! With a one-month introductory subscription to iFrenemy, the budding young political mastermind is “matched” with a “best friend” from a potentially troublesome and easily offended pressure group. Utilizing state-of-the-art algorithms almost identical to the ones used by online dating services your young friend already uses, the staffer is matched with one or more “BFFs” from a pull-down menu of ethnic and/or racial categories. Your “new best friend” will post on your wall, retweet your tweets, and in general serve as “inoculation” against charges of racial bigotry or self-segregation! For an additional monthly fee your iFrenemy will come to your defense via social media should that situation arise. (Which it probably will!) Imagine the delight on the face of the young political operative in your life when he connects online with this ticket to career safety!

The JKr App, now available in the iTunes App Store and Google Play, automatically follows each tweet, Facebook update, or social-media contribution with a simple “JK” followed by a smiley-face emoticon. Rest easy knowing that the political staffer or strategist in your family is well protected against outraged responses to his or her ill-considered Internet outbursts! They can relax and simply point to the automatically generated follow-up post, that they were “Just Kidding” about that tweet or update making fun of the first family, fat people, African victims of Ebola, or the physically challenged. Get the JKr App ($29.95 in the app store) and sleep easy knowing you’ve protected your young congressional staffer against career suicide!

holiday-gifts-for-the-congressional-staffer-in-your-life-2

PhotoSpinnr is a subscription service that creates photographs using cutting-edge photo-illustration technology and uploads those photographs to the user’s social-media accounts. Simply by selecting a few checkboxes, the user can instantly “post” photographs of himself or herself building wells in Africa, serving food in a homeless shelter, comforting the sick, or casually surrounded by adoring children of all races and creeds (maximum limit of seven races/creeds), all from the comfort and convenience of the home! Imagine the peace of mind you’ll give the Little Politico or intern in your family by assuring them that no matter what stupid thing they may post on the Internet, no matter which zoo animal they may inadvertently compare the sitting president of the United States to, there will also be photo “evidence” sprinkled artfully through their social-media profiles of do-gooding and caring to offset the negative blowback! Crucial for any young person involved in politics!

No excuses! The E-lectrocutr[TM] mobile-phone case–fits all models, including the new iPhone 6 Plus!-creates a powerful electric charge just waiting for the young and impulsive congressional staffer to “forget” him- or herself and click on social-media applications to “share” or “post” some thoughts or rants on the events of the day. Simply pressing the icon for any social-media application will result in a powerful electric jolt, enough to stun a 180-pound adult and render the typical nerdy congressional staffer (average height: 5’8″, average weight: 142 pounds) unable to speak or move for several reflective hours, giving the politico on your Christmas list valuable time to decide that, after all, no one really needs to know his or her thoughts on the “inconvenient truth about Ferguson.”